Toastmasters Speech 5

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Written on 10:21 AM by nitesh

This is taken from the greatbong.net blog post. I found this humorous and hence used it as project 5 speech in the toastmasters club.

Coach Man

Suppose
You have an abusive, self-obsessed boyfriend Pause (let's call him Greg Chappell). (Loud)Ultimately after years of abuse, a disastrous emotional meltdown Pause (let's call it the World Cup) occurs after which you dump him. Then comes along this other guy, (loud) (let's call him Dave Whatmore - loud) who really wants you with all his heart. You don't quite feel any passion despite the fact that there is not much wrong with him. In the absence of someone better, you string him along . And then when man 2 (Ford), the guy who really rocks your boat came along, you publicly kick the first suitor, call him over-eager and hence by extension a despo.

You surrender yourself to the new guy, while your parents present you with man 3 (John Em "Burey" nazar walen tera mooh kala), a two-time divorcee with kids. Not much of a choice. You propose to man2 who then turns around, says he finds you over-eager and spurns your overtures.
The Indian cricket coaching try not to use hindi word ---- this could be replaced with "drama" or anything else has now officially become a farce. Which is why I desist from analyzing the situation but instead propose a solution to the impasse.

Let Maninder Singh be the next Indian coach. Pause
Why? pause
Because this man is, a genius. pause

Don't believe me? pause Well a few days ago, Maninder Singh (India's premier spin bowler of the 80s) was taken to the hospital with his wrist slashed. Evidently a suicide attempt.

But then where's the genius you ask?pause It's this. Maninder firmly maintains that he did not attempt suicide.

What happened was Maninder, who was admitted to the Shanti Mukund Hospital Saturday, recorded a statement with the police giving an account of how the incident took place at his Preet Vihar residence in east Delhi.

Maninder told us his wrists were injured when he smashed the glass panes of the bay window of his home with his hands in an attempt to awaken his family on his return home after midnight Saturday. He termed it an accident,' as mentioned by a senior official of police
A force of nature. Loud
You all may be wondering how does this prove cricketing acumen? Well pause to be honest it does not. But of late I have been hearing that the main job of a coach is to motivate the players-after all senior cricketers don't have technical problems. And what can motivate players better than to see the coach literally bleeding to "awaken" the country? loud

And if more excitement is needed than the sight of body fluids on glass, pause Maninder, recently was arrested for possessing cocain can supply our boys with some chemical motivators that will surely make them "play out of their skin", increase their "speed" and hit cracking shots. Fast at one go At the very least the dressing room will be promoting "Coke"(another name for cocain), the irritating blue billion Pepsi ads will permanently be shelved.

Gavaskar will like the fact that he is Indian.
Mohinder Amarnath, who threatened recently by saying that
"if you think that just because someone's colour is white and his skin is different that makes him better then even I will begin using Fair and Lovely : so I can make my colour like that" will not complaint Fast at one go

Niranjan Shah will discover that Maninder is not very expensive and the only support staff he will ask for are some Nigerian men as sports medicine experts. (they will supply coke)

In all, its a win-win smashing situation for everyone.
Maninder Singh for coach. Please. loud

Thank you

Enjoyed giving this speech. Got awesome feedback :)



Toastmasters Speech 4

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Written on 9:35 AM by nitesh

Toastmasters project 4

Apocalypse Now

Let me take you to 2025
Today is morning of 6th Jan 2025, though my wife's away on business tour but has beamed in a holographic projection of her to wake me up. Even though we have met power demands by generating electricity through nuclear fusion reaction but its so hot that even ten air conditioners couldn't cool the house, I was hoping that It would rain but
Meteorologists are already calling it the year without winter. From January itself the temperatures across the northern India have soared above 35°C. Gangetic plain has been transformed into one vast dust bowl. The wheat crop has failed and farmers are committing suicides in hoards. Food riots have broken as the government is no longer able to control the food distribution. As disease and death strike with metronomic regularity, the smell of rotting flesh is all pervasive.

In a perverse irony as the north is sweltering under heat wave, fierce unseasonal storms lash the west coast. Arabian Sea has risen and much of the nariman point has become inaccessible- the city once bustling with skyscrapers has turned into a watery grave.
Mauritius, Maldives and Andaman islands have submerged like titanic went into the deep sea. Extinction of flora and fauna has been so rapid that the numbers of species lost in the past decade is equivalent to that of preceding 1000 years. Great Indian tiger got extinct long back in 2016 and the whales are no longer seen in the oceans.

Like India much of the earth has become a living boiling shell.

Isn't this scenario sound Apocalyptic. Such prophecies have not been made by the grass route activists who come with 'jholas' but by the world renowned 640 scientists and representatives of 120 member countries of UN in IPCC report (intergovernment panel on climate change).

CO2 , Methane and NO2 concentration has touched highest levels in the recorded history. These gases cause a giant greenhouse effect by forming a thin shield around the earth, trapping the infra-red radiations from the sun. In just right quantities they keep the earth warm enough for us to live in. But the thickening of the atmosphere in the past 50 years has disturbed this delicate balance.
Average surface temperature across the globe has shot up by .74°C in the past century. The number may seem insignificant but it is an unprecedented rise. If temperature rises beyond 2°C annihilation of whole life will begin.
In the past 150 years the 11 hottest years were witnessed since 1995.

Heat is on.. Action has to be taken now

Solution number one is to pump billion of dollars so that astronomers can search for life on some other planets outside our solar system and we all could go to that planet. : This is very difficult

How we can contribute to reduce the carbon dioxide level in the atmosphere.
1. Change your bulbs from incandescent bulbs to CFL ones , these consumes 75% less power and last longer.
2. Turn computer off when not in use. Then consume as much electricity as 3 60watt bulbs so avoid the standby mode.
3. Save page. Avoid taking printouts, take only when must, if possible take 2 pages on one. Get your all monthly bills, bank statements on email. Get off the Indian habit of putting everything on paper. Thousand of trees would be saved.
4. Shun use of plastic bags, although it's an old advice but no one really listens. Carry a reusable paper bag. It will help reduce emissions from decaying plastic bags. If Goa, Himachal Pradesh, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka can ban use of plastic bags why can'we.
5. Buy energy efficient appliances, next time you buy an oven, iron or a refrigerator opt for the models by manufacturers whose USP in energy efficiency.
6. Walk, don't drive If you have to buy a packet of chips, don't drive to next door take a walk. If you drive combine a lot of chores.
7. Minimize air travel, one air travel to Mumbai is equivalent to carbon emissions by 2000 cars.
8. Finally let others know, you may be conserving natural resources but if your neighbor isn't', you are still a goner.

There is no time to waste. As Al Gore a tireless champion for action on global warming says… "This is our only home and that is what is at stake- our ability to live on the planet Earth, to have a future as a civilization."
Let's not forget what happened to the Indus valley civilization.

Reference : India Today Global Warming issue